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April 29, 2003

Joan The Magnificent's Crystal Ball Prediction

Here's what is going to happen:

AtswhatImtalknabout: He will throw in the towel in the backstretch. He will be very pissed off that he isn't at Santa Anita. And I don't blame him.

Brancusi: He will throw in the towel around the first turn. He will be pissed that there are so many damned horses and so many necks ahead of him. He wants Palm Trees.

Buddy Gil: With his experience, this race is a piece of cake.

Empire Maker: He's in his stall right now thinking, phew, let's hope my connections care about my hoof. I hate crowds, who needs this crap? I want to race in the Travers.

Funny Cide: He and Brancusi will have this conversation at the starting gate: "hey pal, look at all of these necks. Screw this!"

Indian Express: With his breeding, he could f$%k up my trifecta. Remember Indian Charlie? At a price, I could toss him in. A world traveler makes up for his lightly raced record. He won't win, but he can possibly hit the board and f%$k me up.

Offlee Wild: Will run a good race, come up fifth or sixth. Figures, oke, fine, I'll run for these people, and bring home a check for plane fare.

OuttaHere: Angry that he had to run in Saudi Arabia and come back for this torture race. He will be OuttaHere in the back stretch, telling his jockey: Get offa my back. He'll be seventh or eighth.

Peace Rules: If God wants, he will wire the field. If God wants to spare him, he'll get shuffled somewhere and his jockey will have the good sense not to use him up in this idiotic race.

Scrimshaw: Another possibility to hit the board since he has overcome adversity. May put $2 to show.

Sir Cherokee: Bides his time and wins the race.

Supah Blitz: Been there, done that, he's thinking. Will come up for a piece.

Ten Most Wanted: Don't f%$king know. My guess: fourth.

Eye of the Tiger: Will pass tired horses. Does not want to run in the Derby.

Lone Star Sky: At fifty to one, may be worth a place and show. He's thinking, I like racing. I want to race as a five year old. Why am I here? I won at Churchill, oh, I remember this track. What are all of these horses doing here at the starting gate? Will run a legitimate race, wherever he ends up.

Senor Swinger: He's thinking, are you out of your mind WhiteHair?? Is this some sort of joke? What are my nice parents thinking? What, did they put me here so they could get a box seat or something? I'm swinging to the back of the pack and will have some conversation with the other disgruntled runners.

Ten Cents a Shine: Only for the Lucas suckers.

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