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The Turnip
April 11, 2003

Gateway Computer Country Stores to purchase Japanese made E-Bombs

BOSTON- Computer manufacturer Gateway Inc, known for their country store atmosphere for selling high end computer systems has announced plans to purchase 14 Japanese-made electromagnetic microwave bombs (E- Bombs) over the next two to three months. Company president Scott Westermann explained that with sales dwindling and competition from such popular makers as Dell and Radio Shack impacting the company, it has become necessary to develop a larger demand for their products. E-Bombs are said to be able to cripple all types of electronic equipment within a fifty mile range, including television sets, radios, satellite dishes, toaster ovens, and in this case computers, rendering them virtually unrepairable and useless. The idea to purchase the specially developed bombs was the brainchild of Yaki Yaggomoto, chief product engineer for Gateway, and President of the Tokyo Company contracted to build the new bombs. “We very happy have to develop electromagnetic device for company Gateway. Bomb invented by American Vito DeSilva for use in Iraq war for cripple Iraqi television but I see more. I see cripple all computer of Iraqi people make them need new computer. I see much American people buy new Gateway computer when Electromagnetic pulse explode all across nation at same time. I make sure Gateway compete with Dell Radio Shack to sell new computer cheaper and promise new computer be electromagnetic bomb proof. Of course is not possible to make computer electromagnetic bomb proof but people buy anyway,” Yaggomoto told a New York Times reporter on Sunday. The bombs are scheduled to be delivered to the Ames Iowa plant which has been reconfigured to provide for storage of the equipment. “We make big bunker silo for electromagnetic microwave explosives and send bombs underground to bomb country at same time everywhere!” Yaggomoto said with excitement, wringing his hands as he spoke. Experts estimate that when the bombs are detonated sometime in early May, virtually all electronic appliances will be rendered useless. “This is not a problem for us.” said Glenn Washburn, company spokesman for Radio Shack, a Tandy Corporation. “We sell plenty of electronics and we can still remain competitive with Dell and Gateway in the computer markets as well. This can only be helpful to us all. We must first insure the consumer believe he may be able to repair existing devices so that we can sell parts and labor. When it becomes apparent the appliances, no matter what they are cannot be repaired, we will market new items and introduce huge sales at all of our nationwide outlets.” There were no answers to phone calls to Dell headquarters concerning this move, but a source wishing to remain anonymous has stated that Dell has been working on a similar plan for years. “The technology just wasn’t there yet.” he said. Work has begun manufacturing the new computers in preparation for the huge demand expected to erupt sometime this summer. “We not produce many parts until after we blow up electromagnetic microwave bombs so we not damage new parts and make new parts no good. We need make new parts later for new computers. We sell old broken replacement parts for try to fix but you cannot fix with broken parts blow up by bomb!” Yaggomoto continued. “We very smart Gateway. Very smart.” The Intel Corporation has joined in on the deal as well. They have placed the new 6.5 GHz Pentium V chip production on hold pending detonation this spring. “We’ll sell out all of our remaining Pentium IV chips, and when they fail to function, we will offer to replace them at a discount rate to the wholesalers. We all win!” said CEO Pete Chuckta. Microsoft has refused to comment on any of the plans to cripple all of America’s electronics by Gateway, stating simply, “Nobody even asked us what we thought.” “It sour grapes.” concluded Yaggomoto as he ended his meeting with reporters. Notice: This article is pure bullshit, just want to make sure no morons get the wrong idea! As if morons even know what ideas are!

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