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March 24, 2003

General Tommy Frank pulls all troops out of Iraq

BAGHDAD- With news of antiwar protesters laying down across highways in every major US city, General Tommy Frank has ordered all troops in the Persian Gulf region to retreat and begin the long trip home. “When I heard our peace loving citizens were actually willing to lay down on cold filthy pavement in harms way, I was absolutely horrified. I knew we had to act fast to stop this. That is why I have ordered the retreat of thousands of troops, and sent word to Saddam Hussein that we are sorry for the inconvenience and will be leaving now, thank you very much.” said Frank in a satellite news conference held under the huge white flag raised to signify the start of “Operation Save Those Moron War Protesters From Themselves”. It is expected the antiwar rally organizers will not be satisfied with a simple retreat. Rex Hector Hernañdez, leader of a group from Denver Colorado is demanding full disarmament of the US military in a show of good faith to the world. “We feel American mighty will imitate world powers to war for weapon of destruction to mass for the people of America.” he said. “If the general troops to the road of peace we will rise from the roads of unplowed snow to rejoice in peace for all mankind in the world.” World peace appears to be the goal of the nation’s protesters, according to Hernañdez. “Si” he said. But back in Kuwait, several Marine soldiers feel differently. Lt.Col. Jimmy Bills promises a “war with these freaks” when his division returns to the United States. “They’re going to wish they were run over by trucks when my men are finished with them, the little pussies.” he said while surrounded by his elite team of Black Hawk helicopter crews awaiting orders from General Frank. “These men were trained to fight, not retreat.” But Frank urged his men to cooperate in order to save useless-eater lives back in the United States. “Yes, we absolutely need to disarm Saddam Hussein, but at what cost? There are American citizens, albeit not very bright ones, who need us to stop this fighting in order for them to proceed with their meaningless lives. These are indeed the insignificant resource eating population who are wasting the government’s time by creating unnecessary nonproductive havoc to project their uninformed insignificant beliefs. Quite frankly, I could care less if they all jumped off bridges to protest the war; but unfortunately, they are a strong force back home these days. The news is actually wasting time covering stories of these idiots carrying signs and disrupting daily routines while we have men here dying to protect them! How screwed up is that? I have issued this order to retreat simply because these ungrateful crap-eating faggots back home don’t want to give us the support we need to accomplish our goals. They want their freedoms and their Starbucks™ coffee, but they are unwilling to fight for it. When we get back, I bet the little queers find something else to protest, like partial birth abortions or discrimination against Muslims. I give the hell up. They want to be a bunch of French-loving faggots sipping tea in Paris, fine. I’m going home.” he concluded. A certain note of sarcasm and frustration was evident in his voice, but he appeared sincere in his concern for the American people back home. President Bush issued a statement of support for Frank’s decision to return home. “I understand completely General Frank’s decision to gather our troops and return home. His concern for the lives of the most useless and insignificant members of the American population is commendable and I support him 100%. And isn’t saving American lives what this was all about in the first place? With the launch of “Operation Save Those Moron War Protesters From Themselves”, we show the world that we care even about the lowest form of American scum who are willing to lay down their lives to protest those who have devoted their own lives and careers to protect the freedoms of these individuals. Do these idiots deserve the protection provided by our government? Absolutely not. But we have to provide it anyway, and we will to the best of our ability. If that means a cowardly retreat and ultimate death and destruction from those regimes that hate our great country, then that’s what we have to do. We cannot allow these antiwar protests to continue. Traffic on the Beltway was tied up for four hours on Friday. Hopefully this will all be resolved before Monday’s commute.” said the President from his Camp David retreat. The first deployments of troops in “Operation Save Those Moron War Protesters From Themselves” is expected to begin within hours. Continuing coverage of the deployments will be available on all Disney and Cartoon network channels throughout the day. Note: this is satire, folks.

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