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The Turnip
 
March 03, 2003

Digestive disorders linked to temperature; wind velocity

MIAMI- Some doctors have insisted the new disorder dubbed ‘acid reflux disease’ is caused by certain types of food ingested in conjunction with high levels of stress. Over the past ten years, the diagnosis of acid reflux disease in patients complaining of stomach irritability has increased at a rate of 39% per year. Studies have shown that most of these patients show a high level of stress in their professional lives and when examined in terms of two hour lunches, where the availability of hot peppers and various other types of Mexican foods are present, the figures are off the charts. The rapid increase of this condition previously believed to be simple heartburn has driven the medical community to reassess the situation by renaming the condition with a more serious sounding diagnosis. “Who’s going to argue with ‘Acid Reflux Disease’? Any employer in his right mind should hear those words and cringe in terror!” said Professor Axle Venosi of the Acid Reflux Institute of Weston, Virginia. The research center was established in 1996 to begin studying this rapidly spreading disease and to seek medications to help in the reduction of pain and discomfort associated with it. Acid Reflux Disease is as yet not responsible for any known causes of death in this country but Professor Venosi explains that this is because the disease is in its infancy. “We’ve just discovered this disease. There are only 207 different types of prescription and over the counter drugs being produced by major drug companies to battle this very serious condition. Sometimes when new diseases are found, it takes entire generations for any death rates to be attributed to them. Thousands of drug manufacturing contracts are usually required before we can even begin to determine mortality rates. This is the case here with Acid Reflux Disease.”

But there has been a recent turn of events at the research center and a number of scientists and doctors working there are preparing to leave. According to Dr. Willis Ras and Dr. Pamela Cornelius, the connection of Acid Reflux to stress and hot Mexican foods may be a fallacy. With the installation of a weather monitoring facility on the upper level of the research center has come some very interesting data connecting the two projects together. Lunch room studies conducted separately and secretly by Ras and Cornelius with one of the weather technicians, Trig Tomlinson have determined that the occurrence of Acid Reflux in the selected group of patients suffering from the disease increased dramatically during high pressure weather fronts that produced high winds. This was especially noted during temperature ranges from 34°F - 59°F, and nearly every time. “We need to study this further into different seasons to determine if the possible higher temperatures of the summer months could present even more solid evidence of the weather factor in the research of this dreaded disease.” said Dr Ras. Tomlinson agreed. He has begun to complain of stomach discomfort himself and has found that the weather conditions are almost always the same when the condition acts up. “It’s got to be Acid Reflux Disease. I get this burning feeling in my chest as soon as the Dynenemeter starts spinning and the temperature hits that 34-59 range. I even vomited stomach bile during last month’s storm. Can’t blame that on Mexican food; I had an English muffin for breakfast and a glass of orange juice.” he said.

But Professor Venosi insists the weather has nothing to do with the presence of Acid Reflux Disease. He along with several drug company CEOs are headed to Washington this week to try and stop what they call a preposterous assertion that weather could possibly have an effect on human digestive disorders. “It’s ludicrous! How can we treat a disease influenced by something as natural as the weather? This cannot possibly be a factor in the diagnosis and treatment of Acid Reflux Disease and that’s final.” he said. Hans Rextall, CEO Rextall Pharmaceuticals of Atlanta, Georgia agrees. His company is busy preparing an anti wind velocity drug that may reduce the effects of weather on Acid Reflux Disease, in the event their case is not heard in Washington. “We need to cover all the bases here. As the nation’s leading pharmaceutical company, Rextall needs to be cutting edge when it comes to new discoveries, and if the wind speed or temperature are factors of any disease, we need to be on top of the situation. We need to have a drug ready to go into manufacturing to comfort the victims of these diseases. There is money to be made here and it would be down right irresponsible of me as CEO of this great company to let this opportunity pass. We have thousands of employees who depend on our ability to address every aspect of disease control and treatment, and that is exactly what we are doing here.” said Rextall. If the two men are successful in stopping Ras and Cornelius’ efforts to join with Tomlinson in further studying the weather factors of Acid Reflux Disease, the Rextall research can be put on hold until further studies reopen the case. “This isn’t over by a long shot. We have weather maps.” concluded Tomlinson. The case will be presented in Washington later this week.

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