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The Turnip
 
February 24, 2003

Entrance to hollow Earth discovered in Detroit

DETROIT- After years of speculation surrounding the hollow planet theory, a ghetto scientist from Detroit Michigan has finally set the record straight. On February 16, 2003, Rashid Grimes stumbled upon the entrance to the hollow earth by accident while experimenting with a newly developed drug based on the popular Crack Cocaine currently used by inner city drug addicts. According to Grimes, the entrance is located between the Rite-Aid drug store and Millie’s corner grocery through an obscure doorway. Apparently, while under the influence of his experiment, Grimes wandered through the doorway and found himself plummeting miles into the earth’s core striking giant tree limbs before coming to rest at the feet of a sixteen foot tall “white man”. “I was scared to death seeing a sixteen foot tall white man I say!” Grimes told reporters following his return three days later. Noted scientist George Cramer has been trying to explain his theories on the hollow planet phenomena for decades only to be ridiculed and dismissed by his colleagues. Upon his arrival in Detroit after the story first broke, Cramer has been attempting to duplicate Grimes’ journey to no avail managing only to severely cut his forearm on a jagged piece of glass. “I believe Rashid completely. His description of inner-earth civilization is exactly as I have described in my book Inner-Earth Civilizations. The oversized trees, mainly pines and the sixteen foot tall white people to be precise. I just can’t seem to locate the entrance that led him to his journey into the great beyond.” he said. When asked if it was possible Grimes had read the book and simply associated it to a drug induced psychedelic trip, Cramer answered, “He can’t even read or write! How could he even know about my book?!” Grimes described his adventure as something out of a science fiction movie. He apparently was taken in by the giant white people and kept as a pet for the few days he was there. When it became obvious these giant white people intended to keep him as their pet, Grimes escaped into the huge forest. There he encountered “regular sized” wildlife, except for the white tailed deer. They were, as he described, big as houses and replica breitling watches roared like lions. He foraged in the woods for a couple of days until he finally came across a man who according to Cramer, was Elvis Presley. Grimes only described the man as another regular sized white man living in a makeshift cabin, but Cramer explained the Elvis connection and the Detroit location as the missing pieces to a puzzle he has been working on for years. “I knew Elvis was still alive, I just knew it. I knew Detroit played an important role in the whole scenario; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Now thanks to this young man, I can finally finish this elusive puzzle and finish my latest book. If only I could find that doorway!” He says he needs the firsthand experience to adequately describe what he already knows as fact. Grimes further described his exit from the hollow earth as the most harrowing experience of his life. “I was just there like, know what I’m saying? And this wind got to kicking on up and blowing and stuff, know what I’m saying? Then the giant assed trees started blowing and whipping, know what I’m saying? Then all of a sudden this big white girl came kicking through with a basket of tomatoes and stuff, know what I mean? So I like jumped up on her sneaker toe and rode for a while, know what I’m saying? So then she must’ve decided to just do a cartwheel like a cheerleader and stuff, know what I’m saying? And I got tossed up and bang! Like I hit my whole face on the back of the door and next thing I know I’m rolling out into the street in Detroit again looking at the Rite- Aid!” Cramer was extremely interested in Grimes’ exit. “I always wondered how one would return from middle-earth but now I know. Wind and giant female acrobatics. Who would have thought it could be that simple?” Cramer is continuing to look for the elusive entrance to the center of the hollow earth and says he will not leave Detroit until he finds it himself. Grimes has entered a scientific drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in Ann Arbor to help him deal with the psychological effects his trip into the middle-earth civilization has had on him. He is expected to stay there indefinitely. Cramer has been given a restraining order to stay away from Grimes during his stay at the Rehab center. Upon investigating the doorway described by Grimes, police say there is merely an alley way between the two buildings. There doesn’t appear to be any type of drop off where one could fall off into the world described by Grimes. Still, Cramer refuses to believe there is nothing there. He has set up a temporary shelter waiting hopefully for the ideal conditions to hurl him to the center of the hollow earth.

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