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The Turnip
February 20, 2003

Increase in isolated incidents not related to terrorism

ALBUQUERQUE- Strings and strings of unrelated isolated incidents ranging from bombings to stolen airplanes to the recent gassing of a city bus in Atlanta have been increasing at an alarming rate lately. At first each incident would appear to be related to the fear that terrorists are striking targets randomly across the nation, but after investigations by federal authorities that theory has been proven baseless. “We simply have no evidence to connect the Saudi Arabian suspects of last Thursday’s Federal Building bombing to terrorism. The necessary proof just doesn’t exist.” said FBI agent Fred Wilkinson. He was speaking of the explosion on the 18th floor of the Ashford D. Hummel Federal Building in downtown Boston, where damage was confined to a men’s bathroom and a janitor closet. There were no injuries in the blast. “And that bus that was gassed with what turned out to be a combination of the harmless gases saran and tabun could have been left by teenaged pranksters who frequently ride the bus to the malls during the time of the assault. We simply cannot be positive. The surveillance tapes from the bus show what appear to be two Middle Eastern gentlemen in an argument of some sort with a teenager, but we have no other witnesses. The videos have no sound so we have no idea what the argument was about or if it was even in fact an argument. We have determined this was simply an isolated incident and the 37 passengers are all expected to live after treatment at local hospitals.”

There have been several hundred other terrorist-like incidents across the Nation this week, but Attorney General John Ashcroft has assured us these are all just more isolated incidents not related to terrorism. Determining whether any specific incidents are terror- related has been left in the hands of Security Council member Akhmed Mohammed Rhadashaad, leading expert on terrorism in the United States and author of the New York Times Best Seller Die American Pigs Die. Rhadashaad has never been convicted of any crimes against the United States government although he has admitted to having once welcomed several Islamic extremist groups into his home on Long Island New York shortly before TWA Flight 800’s fuel tanks exploded due to a faulty rubber hose. “The guy knows an act of terror when he sees one and that is why he is leading each and every investigation connected with the possibility of terror involvement. The Nation needs to trust the government and not be so fearful of terrorism. It simply isn’t happening no matter what the doom and gloom proponents try and pass off as fact.” said Ashcroft. Speaking from a truck stop in Colorado this week, the translator for Mr. Rhadashaad stated, “We do not believe the two Middle Eastern gentlemen who were unable to determine that the stolen tractor trailer they were driving could not run on regular unleaded fuel were in any way connected to any terrorist activities. They were simply unfamiliar with diesel fuel and tractor trailer trucks. This gas station attendant overreacted by calling state police and turning over license plate numbers after suspecting these two men were terrorists. This is an outrageous display of ignorance and ethnic profiling. Fortunately the men in the tractor trailer were not found and they were not inconvenienced in any way concerning this misunderstanding.” Hundreds more similar instances of isolated innocent coincidences have been reported all across the Nation this week and it seems Mr. Rhadashaad has his hands full at the moment. Ashcroft expects all such incidents will be deemed isolated once inspected by Rhadashaad.

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