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The Turnip
 
February 20, 2003

Weapons Inspection Movie to be filmed on location in Iraq

WASHINGTON- President Bush announced today he is appointing Secretary of State Colin Powel Executive Producer of a new movie he has written highlighting the weapons inspections in Iraq. MGM has penned a $60 billion deal with the President and expects to land such big names as Susan Sarandon (Pokemon- The movie!) and Danny Glover (Lethal Weapon IV) as the Lead Inspectors. The film is said to take place in Iraq and center around the humane treatment of the Iraqi people by the lovable and sexy Saddam Hussein, played by Richard Gere. Spike Lee, director and co-developer of the script will be sent by Powel into Iraq to speak with Hussein to gather details for the upcoming filming, which will take place in Baghdad in and around the presidential palaces. President Bush says he expects there will be no problems arranging the interviews. “These [expletive deleted]holes want to run their mouths saying I am just finishing my daddy’s job need a good taste of reality programming, if you know what I mean!” the President said from his Camp David retreat this weekend. “We need to try more weapons inspections they say? Well dang it, here you go fellas. Ya’ll know so much about foreign policy and Saddam Hussein, now’s your chance to put your money where your mouth is. Let’s see ‘em do a better job!” he said. The movie begins with the arrival of the “Super Team” of weapons inspectors into Baghdad, led by Glover. His first encounter will be with the wife of Saddam Hussein, played by Sarandon with whom he will form a romantic bond. Other inspectors, played by Sean Penn, Vanessa Redgrave and 12 others will be dispatched throughout the city with camera crews to film actual pretend weapons inspections in the actor’s efforts to avoid the impending war. Powel says there will be no formal training of the actors concerning weapons inspections because, “quite frankly, these people seem to know all there is to know about the proper way to run this country.” Attorney General John Ashcroft agreed. He will be in Hollywood this week to see the cast and crew off on the specially commissioned C-130A for their trip to Iraq. “I can hardly wait to see these sluts when they get back!” he said laughing under his breath. It is expected the actors will find their words of protest to be of no help once they are set free in Baghdad. Richard Gere, the lead speaker at last Friday’s protest on Washington DC has requested to be left in Kuwait to do his scenes, but as Powel put it, “Well now that’s just too damn bad , isn’t it?” The actor assumes he will be safer if left to perform in Kuwait, but the script strictly calls for extensive filming in the presidential palaces located in the center of Baghdad, the nation’s capitol and possibly the area where the real Saddam Hussein will be bunkered. Calls to the offices of the Screen Actors Guild were not returned. In all, sixteen actors, four directors, four producers and so far, no stunt men will be leaving for the trip within a week. “We need to get these wise guys over there to get a look at the place quickly. War could erupt at any moment, unless Gere is willing to let Glover and Sarandon in to have a look see around! Now doesn’t that sound absolutely ridiculous when you say it out loud?!” the president said while sipping on a Budweiser. He was still giggling as we packed up from the interview. It is apparent that neither the president nor his staff believes this new team of weapons inspectors will be any more successful than the last group. “This is gonna be fun!” he said.

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