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The Turnip
 
February 11, 2003

Television; Cinema pure fiction

HOLLYWOOD-Homeland security and INS agents have determined most television programming and movie productions are based on fictitious plots and could never happen in reality. The discovery comes on the heels of a recent alleged vampire slaying in Washington DC where the victim turned out to be a woman jogging innocently through the park. The alleged vampire slayer, 21 year old Raheem Kfadhi Williams claimed the woman attempted to bite his neck as he routinely passed by her and he simply defended humanity by beating her with the butt of his 9mm handgun. Williams claims he is a chosen vampire slayer and possesses the ability to recognize potentially dangerous vampires during certain hours of the evening. Williams was arrested last year when vampires, operating a Wendy’s Hamburger store attempted to thwart his pursuit of duties as a vampire slayer. Charges were dropped when store workers were unable to disprove the vampire charges. During the vampire slaying investigation, crime scene investigators, while attempting to extract evidence that had never existed found the tests they were about to order had also never existed. “I just don’t understand this at all,” said chief investigator Harmon West, “we saw this last Thursday on CSI where the team took this dried up saliva samples from a clump of sand and matched it to saliva samples the suspect had on his jacket, which belonged to his girlfriend’s roommate’s dog. It was a simple matter of running the evidence through a spinning test tube machine that changed colors and went really fast, then stopped and we were supposed to open our eyes wide and discover the damning proof. It just never materialized.” But that was not the only evidence of the falseness of television. The movies came under fire when NASA and the NTSB investigators, attempting to piece together the recent space shuttle disaster found it would not have been possible to have prevented the accident as they had originally believed. After assembling a team of misfit ex- convicts from federal prisons, investigators commissioned the construction of a supersonic asteroid to shoot up to the shuttle to repair damaged heat tiles. After exhaustive research and development, scientists determined none of this could have really been accomplished. “I know I remember seeing this done once,” said Pete Jackson of the NASA team. “They put Bruce Willis and a bunch of other astronauts on this asteroid and cheap replica watches uk saved earth. As I remember, it was really quite simple. I think the whole ordeal was over within a couple of hours.” But it was not meant to be, the Inspectors discovered. While questioning producers and directors of the films where the information was being extracted, the detectives found that these events had never in fact occurred at all. Upon further investigation it was determined that these things not only did not occur, but could not occur with today’s technology. “This is unbelievable. You mean Bruce Willis never saved that building from terrorists back in that movie, ‘Die Hard’?” said movie fan Justina Warsawski. “How could that be? I saw it with my own two eyes!” But Warsawski was not the only disappointed fan. Homeland security agent David Axlerod did a little research of his own following the harrowing discoveries. “I went to Chicago and looked for myself. Harrison Ford was never really the President of the United States. That ordeal with Air Force One never took place. We were all deceived!” The discoveries have changed the paths of many open investigations which were up until now dependent on technologies developed by Hollywood writers. Several murder cases, still waiting for tests to return from forensic labs that simply do not exist are now stalled. Evidence from the Washington DC Sniper case has been contaminated with handling by sound technicians from a movie studio in New York. “He was supposed to give the stuff to the props department but he wasn’t wearing gloves.” West said. Several writers and producers are under investigation for fraud and arrests are expected to be made within the coming weeks.

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