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February 11, 2003

Technologist protects against solar activity

MIAMI- Computer technologist Charles King, working from his laboratory in Kingston Florida stated Tuesday, “This could all be over in the blink of an eye.” He was referring to his latest discovery which he calls ‘TechnoTransfer’ where data can be transferred from computers to the human brain with advanced software and transdermal patches. “It’s ingenious, this software; and the world will be so excited to have this available. But who will care if we are all vaporized?” he queried. “I’m talking about sun flares. What if a sun flare takes us all out? We’re vaporized in the blink of an eye and all this technology will mean nothing. Just ask the dinosaurs.” he said. His concerns don’t stop there. Built into his systems are emergency contingency plans that abort data transfers in the event of a nuclear explosions or heat tile damage. Sun flares have been the main concern of King since a severe sunburn in 1978 landed him in the hospital for a week. “I thought I was cooked for sure back then. They said I fell asleep but I know better. I saw the solar flare from my beach chair.” he said. Records show there were in fact several large solar flares during the summer of 1978 and it is quite possible King actually may have witnessed one first hand. He was wearing special polarized sunglasses at the time but no sun block. “Who ever heard of SPF-45 back in ’78?” he asked. Since the mishap, King has built into his software creations special devices in case of solar activity, namely flares. “OK, I have this thing for solar flares. If you could ask a dinosaur, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but where are you going to find a dinosaur? Nowhere, that’s where. And why do you think you can’t find a dinosaur? That’s right. Solar flares. Probably.” he roared. Melvin Lukivitts, owner and operator of Hubies Diner in South Miami Beach claims the solar flare encrypted software he used for his tax returns last year added several deductions he wasn’t aware of and in his opinion caused the IRS to target his business with an audit. “I got a call from a guy named Tubbs from the IRS. He said he needed to see me about some deductions concerning charitable contributions and I said, ‘I didn’t claim any charitable deductions’ and he said he was coming over. When he arrived he had my return and there it was in black and white. It said I claimed $10,000 donations to Sun Corporation, some charity. I almost lost everything. I had to return the $15,000 refund I got that year plus interest and a tax bill of $4,700 on top of it all. Thanks to that nut and his solar flares.” King denies his software included the bogus entries on the tax return. “My program doesn’t add to returns but rather removes certain deductions that may draw solar radiation from flares or nuclear disturbances,” he said. “My software is designed to protect consumers from the Replica Watches ill fate faced by dinosaurs. I don’t know why this Lukivitts fellow is blaming me for his accountant’s incompetence. I know exactly what I am doing. Does he?” he asked. Inspections of the tax programs designed by King did in fact contain special solar flare codes, but did not appear to add deductions to tax returns according to IRS inspectors. Software now in use by the defense department may have been designed by King and may be responsible for the 1991 failures in Iraq. Lt General Thomas Filmore claims if it weren’t for King’s anti solar flare radiation missile guidance software, the US would have been able to have assassinated Saddam Hussein eliminating the need for the conflicts of today. “Just as we hit the switch, the damn sun came out and the missiles imploded, killing 6 soldiers and injuring an officer. All because of dinosaurs, I am told.” he said. The DoD claims to have removed from service all software developed by King to avoid the possibly embarrassing situation of solar induced missile failure. Other government computer systems are being checked for King’s software. “These people are putting their country at risk by removing my software. When all hell breaks loose, they’ll be kicking themselves. Just ask the dinosaurs. Oh wait a minute, I forgot. You can’t.”

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