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The Turnip
 
February 11, 2003

Water prices expected to climb with war in Iraq and N Korea

POLAR SPRINGS- With water prices already hovering at $5.16 per gallon, experts estimate a full blown world war could drive prices up over $10 depending on depth of penetration into the United States. Anonymous sources deep in the Maine forest claim their obscure source locations may allow certain bottlers to keep their water prices below the national average, but there is no way to tell where the forces will strike. While gas prices maintain a steady inexpensive $1.79 per gallon even with attacks on Iraqi oil fields, water has continued to spiral out of control. Secretary of State Colin Powell states the increases are a direct result of Muslim intolerance with American affluence. “As American society continues to embrace the bottled water industry more and more, the Muslim extremists become more enraged and target the water sources with their wrath,” he said. Gas and oil prices haven’t seemed to impact the American public quite as hard as the skyrocketing water prices. “I just sold the SUV and got this little Honda to save fuel when the gas prices started to go up,” said Beverly Klienstein, “but when they start going after my water; well what’s a girl to do?” Speaking from a treadmill at the Gold’s Gym in Seattle, Jennifer Silverman agreed. “How can we combat this outrage?” Water prices began taking a hit last summer when terrorists struck the Evian bottling plant in Switzerland. Thousands of bottles of processed water were destroyed in the blast severely hindering exporters’ efforts to supply the refreshing beverage to America, the company’s largest importers. “We couldn’t get any Evian anywhere,” said Silverman as she sipped from her $3 liter of Saratoga brand bottled water. “This stuff just isn’t the same. It just tastes so much more pure from a foreign country, but it looks like I won’t be getting my Evian too soon.” And she is probably correct. The bottled water industry is suffering world wide with the recent realization of its importance in the lives of American women. “Terrorists know where to strike,” said Powell. “They know there ain’t nothing worse than a angry bitch who can’t get her a bottle of water,” he said. Experts agree that the targeting of the American women directly effects the entire population. By reducing their bottled water supplies, the experts say nearly every aspect of the American woman’s life is disrupted. With an unsatisfied woman comes an unsatisfied man and eventually unsatisfied entire families. Al Queda terrorist cells have issued warnings overseas threatening more bottled water facilities and the US Government has once again raised the terror threat level to High (Orange) in response. Iraqi forces have surrounded the Baghdad water refinery and are holding the shipments until the United States retreat to the oil fields. Middle East water prices are now over $125 a barrel and rising. With North Korea now reducing water purification processing, it is unknown the extent to which pricing could effect United States women. North Korea represents nearly 1% of the worlds purified bottled water resources. Powell estimates prices could be at $10 a gallon by summer, the season where American women who enjoy jogging and rollerblading will be most annoyed. “We are in for some serious nagging!” he concluded.

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