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The Turnip
February 04, 2003

US Postal Service to move operations to Sri Lanka saving billions in operational costs

WASHINGTON- Postmaster General John E. Potter has announced the latest phase in his Transformation Plan involving the dissolving of hundreds of thousands of postal jobs in the United States. The Transformation Plan was introduced to the public last year in a teleconference in which the PMG explained the need for restructure of the US Postal Service to continue universal world wide service without interruption. After months of negotiation with Unions in the third world country of Sri Lanka, Potter has announced an agreement to move all postal operations there over the summer. “This is a great opportunity for the Postal Service. Right now, we are spending billions of dollars annually on staffing offices with unskilled unnecessary employees. Now we have arranged with the Sri Lanka Federal Employees Union to employ Sri Lankan nationals to staff new post offices to be erected in the tiny third world country saving billions in overhead and continuing with the high quality service the American people have grown accustomed to,” Potter said. He explained the new Sri Lanka post offices will be constructed of Yak dung and straw as well as canvas with root poles. In an engineering study conducted by Iberian Generals, the straw and dung will save the Service “billions upon billions” of dollars and the cost of processing a single letter is estimated at a half cent once expenses are deducted. “We were paying up to $20 an hour for experienced employees we have found we never really needed. After exhaustive reviews we have determined we no longer need English speaking professionals in full uniform but can accomplish the same degree of proficiency with dirt covered starving people barely able to hold their eyes opened. And they are happy to get 1/10 of a cent per day to perform at the same level as the employees we have now,” said Potter. The move will displace some 700,000 employees now on the postal service rolls and save billions. “The cost to transport all of our mail volume to Sri Lanka via ocean barge and once to the mainland, burro and goat wagons will still not approach the cost of employing Americans,” he added. Once the mail is processed in Sri Lanka, it will be carried by goat to the seaport in Colombo at the Gulf of Mannar and loaded on Tiberian contracted barges for deployment back to the United States with 60,000 Sri Lankan letter carriers. When the barges arrive in the Port of Miami approximately fourteen days later, the Sri Lankan carriers will be deployed on foot to deliver to every single address in the United States of America. “We have found through surveys and polls that the American public isn’t really all that interested in timely delivery of their mail but rather just concerned with final delivery. What I mean is that they don’t care how or when, they just care that it is done at some point in time,” he said. A New York Times poll found that to be true as well, with 65% of all Americans already thinking their mail is being processed in Sri Lanka. “We asked the public and they said Sri Lanka unilaterally,” Potter reiterated. By the end of September all US Mail will be processed by the Sri Lankan people in Sri Lanka including Parcel Post and Express Mail. Postal executives are excited about the new Transformation phase and the billions in savings which will be transformed into bonuses and incentives for them. The Marketing department is now looking into processing plants in Saida Lebanon to help ease the Priority Mail volume overload, but officials there are unsure of the feasibility of goat transport in the rocky region. Other beasts of burden are also being considered to help incite interest of the Lebanon government. An announcement is expected by spring, but the new Sri Lanka operations will officially kick off in September with a parade and a special Sri Lanka Cancellation booth. For those who travel to Sri Lanka for the parade, coffee and hog ears will be served and complimentary Sri Lanka first day cancellation envelopes will be available. DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS A FAKE. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD! DON'T SUE ME!

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