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The Turnip
February 03, 2003

Technological advances enable federal government to better maintain peaceful control

WASHINGTON- With the development of global positioning satellite technology and other various forms of tracking systems, the federal government has come up with yet another way to help us maintain a hassle free environment. The new system, called HomeStar Tech, was developed by OnStar Corporation, makers of the GPS emergency aid system now found on high end luxury cars. The OnStar system has become more popular among the automotive industry and is filtering into even the most basically equipped cars. Consumers have embraced this technology with open arms, finding it most helpful in situations that were once considered major inconveniences. With the OnStar system, a driver who inadvertently locks their keys inside the car can now simply call the 888 number and ask the technician to send out a signal to unlock the car. But that’s not all OnStar can do. The system can do anything from giving one directions to their destinations to diagnosing mechanical problems in their cars to making hotel reservations as the driver moves down the road. Now with the introduction of the new HomeStar Tech system, some of these services will now be available to the consumers from their own living rooms. OnStar in conjunction with Sony and Magnavox have integrated their HomeStar Tech system into all high definition televisions enabling HomeStar Tech representatives the ability to communicate directly with the customers. Once connected, customers will be able to talk into their televisions to change room temperature or to turn on lights in other rooms. Once the system is advanced further, HomeStar Tech will also be able to dial the customer’s phone to provide emergency medical help or order pizzas. OnStar representative David Welch explains that once the system is enabled, HomeStar Tech advisors will actually be able to see into the homes of consumers to monitor things like their health, pets, wasteful energy practices and illegal activities. The federal government’s Homeland Security Office has expressed an interest in HomeStar Tech technology to incorporate into their plan to monitor potential terrorist cells in America. “Once the television standard is High Definition, we will be in every home in America and eventually the world.” said Hugh Bonds, director of the in home monitoring division of the Homeland Security Office. The biological division is also working on implant technology to help consumers when they are away from their television sets. This will enable government representatives to help consumers find products when shopping as well as diagnose medical problems. The system is also able to monitor digestive tract information and bathroom use frequency. “Gone are the days of stool samples and urine tests.”, said Dr Wilfred Vanderschweese, developer of the prototype implant. “Within a year of development of the HomeStar Tech system, we will be monitoring drug use and other illegal and immoral activities around the world.” The consumer is expected to welcome the new technology into their lives within the next few years. “Resistance will be minimal once the benefits of acceptance are made clear to the consumer”, he said. “Personal responsibility will be a thing of the past. We will maintain the existence of humanity world wide while the consumer lives a carefree life” he added. Implant Chip Liability With the introduction of implant technology to aid in everyday life come the possibilities of product liability claims against the manufacturers. These claims are expected to come from the federal government with regards to personal control issues and monitoring difficulties. The consumers will find there are no noticeable malfunctions as these implants are controlled by federal agents in the field. “In our test case site, a few of the women were lost in the clothing department of Walmarts due to a conflict with store security devices and public address systems” , said William Bass, director of the experimental implant division of the CIA. “This malfunction could have been avoided had the manufacturer anticipated the magnetic consequences of triple conducive algoric symmetry and primitive loudspeaker technology.” Lawyers agree there must be defined liability with regards to chips gone amok. “When a subject is unavailable for menstural monitoring and is in a department or Replica Watches grocery store, someone has to take responsibility for the outcome” said Cy Stein of Stein, Weinstein, Cromwell and partners. As personal responsibility gives way to implant chips, new legal responsibility avenues must be explored. “We must continue to maintain the standard of living the legal profession has enjoyed for centuries. Liability must be defined for any of these important government programs to work properly” he said. Manufacturers are calling for insurance companies to provide implant chip liability insurance, which will shift the cost of malfunctions on the insurers. Clifford White of State Farm Insurance Biological Technology Division is developing standards to be incorporated in policies issued to manufacturers and is attempting to join the manufacturers in the development processes for the implants. “We feel that if we are to be financially responsible for the malfunction of these technologies, we should at least be a part of their development” he said. Cy Stein disagrees. “The insurance industry is simply trying to muscle in on the clause set in place by the federal government excusing chip developers from government requirements to carry the implants” he said. “If we continue to excuse acceptance of the technology throughout industries associated with all aspects of implant chip technology, there will be nobody to monitor.” This battle is expected to go into litigation until boundaries are developed to satisfy the federal government authorities. For the benefits of this new technology to be fully realized, all aspects of its operation and functions must be addressed. World wide acceptance from consumers is expected for all of these new technologies once their benefits are fully explained. “There is simply no down side to all of this new technology!” exclaimed David Welch. “We are all very excited to be able to bring this convenience to the consumers and are grateful to the federal government for entrusting us with this task of building this personal behavioral and conduct structure monitoring system.” DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS A FAKE. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD! DON'T SUE ME!

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