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The Turnip
 
January 24, 2003

Brutal rape of village girl stuns community

TAMARACK WV- The brutal kidnapping and rape of a Tamarack Valley eighth grader has turned this community on its backs seeking justice for the crime. Village police report the incident began at around 8pm on Saturday night with the abduction of the 13 year old from her family’s mobile home on Brickner road just south of county route 15. According to witnesses, a large diameter ship arrived shortly before 7 and hovered for what was believed to be 20 or so minutes before one of the occupants emerged and stood silently at the top of a ramp leading to the young girl’s back deck. Jolene Samples, a neighbor and friend of the family said the figure then motioned toward the mobile home and the young girl was drawn from her Nintendo game up the ramp and into the ship. “In an instant, the doors closed up tight and the dang thing shot straight up and out of sight”, said Samples. This isn’t the first time this ship has been spotted by Samples. In 1986 she said she was lured aboard and given cocktails as a sedative before several implants were administered to various parts of her body. She claims three of her babies were fathered by Xenon, the man believed to be driving the ship according to Samples. This time though, the visit doesn’t seem quite so friendly. The young girl was dropped off at Mickey’s Brew Pub on South Street nude and shivering and claiming to have been repeatedly raped by four men inside the bar. The four men initially accused of the crime, four brothers from Nedo were released when the girl failed to adequately identify them. One of the brothers, Dale Samples is the husband of Jolene Samples who witnessed the entire abduction from her backyard clothesline. Her testimony helped clear the brothers of the alleged crime. Shaken and still bruised, the young victim of the horrendous alien abduction crime remains at Cedars Memorial Hospital under the care of doctors until her injuries are fully determined. “It’s always a difficult situation when one of our young residents is attacked by aliens”, said Dr. Jimmy Gill, attending emergency physician at the hospital. “I remember when Jolene came in here all naked and dripping with beer after her ordeal. It’s a real shame that Xenon fellow ain’t been captured yet.” Deputy Police Chief Dale West promised a full investigation just like last time, but says he isn’t holding out much hope. “We just ain’t capable of going up to them stars to question aliens. I don’t suspect we’ll ever know what really all happened up there” he said. The victim is expected to recover. DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS A FAKE. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD! DON'T SUE ME!

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