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The Turnip
January 21, 2003

Astronomer unlocks mysteries of the universe

JUNO- Astronomer and physicist Dr. Axlerod D. Newman has stunned the scientific world this week with his announcements revealing once sacred secrets of the universe. Dr. Newman explained his decision to finally come clean came when his own doctors diagnosed him with a rare form of elbow cancer in an advanced stage. “I don’t have much longer to live I am afraid, and I believe it is time to explain some of the research we scientists and astronomers have been engaged in over the past few centuries. Talk radio has turned our field of study into a circus of speculation and I believe it is time for the truth to be told.” Dr. Newman stated. He began with the subject of UFOs and extraterrestrial beings and the possibility of our existence having been cloned as suggested by the now famous Railien Cloneaid group. The Railiens have claimed to have cloned a baby girl from a woman and claim more clone babies are on the way. Although no evidence of this alleged cloning has been presented, all of the major news networks and newspapers all over the world have carried the story. Dr. Newman has responded officially, “Bubblecock! It is absolutely impossible for this group to have developed a clone or anywhere near enough cloning technology to produce an actual living being. Pure rubbish. In our studies of alien biology we have found that it would be virtually impossible to clone a human being from a being from another planet simply because it wouldn’t then be cloning at all but interbreeding. Any scientist or biologist worth his salt would know interbreeding with alien life forms would not produce offspring at all. We are talking carbon based life forms mixing with let’s say for example, Klingons like from Star Trek. Preposterous!” The doctor went on to address theories of global warming and freezing as well as the possibility of life on Mars. “We are definitely in a global warming cycle, that’s for sure. Unless we freeze of course. We could freeze just like Mars or we could go to 900º F like Venus. We have a plan for either scenario, contrary to the beliefs of callers on late night radio shows. These people simply don’t know what they are talking about. In the event our planet temperature begins to rise, we have three different plans. First we could build a reflective shield to cover the entire Earth to reflect the sun’s heat radiation back, but I suggest that could be very dangerous. My plan is to alter the Earth’s path around the sun gradually. I have been working with Edwin Hubble to develop what we are calling the Hubble Stick. It is simply a very long titanium stick we plan to jab at the sun as we revolve into range to try and push the Earth a little farther away in its rotation around the sun. After approximately 30 or so billion years of jabbing at the sun, I propose we will have knocked the Earth far enough away to maintain comfortable temperatures and reduce the need to find another planet to inhabit. Our third possible plan if the Hubble Stick fails to produce the necessary results is to simply find a cooler sun to revolve around. The Earth is not owned by our sun. We could theoretically go shopping for a new sun should this one become too hot over the next few billion years. These are serious possibilities that should put an end to the doom and gloom nay Sayers of late night talk radio!” Dr. Newman rallied. But that isn’t all the doctor had to reveal. He went on to explain what he calls “dark particles” and their role in our everyday lives on Earth. “Dark Matter Particles are present all around us all the time. They are invisible even under a microscope but we know they are there. They cannot be seen felt heard or even sensed, but we have discovered they are indeed present. These subatomic dark matter particles are all around us for a reason that is still baffling scientists today. We simply can’t explain why they are present, we just know they are. They don’t seem to do anything at all. They don’t alter our environment in any way, yet they are there sure as anything. We breathe them, we eat them, we live with them in every aspect of our lives, yet we would never know it if science hadn’t found it by accident while searching for something else. Now we are busy trying to explain why they are present. It is a mystery yet to be explained.” he said. “It’s the same thing as black holes. What is a black hole? It is a collapsed star that has inverted itself to suck light and release nothing. Black holes exist in our universe for no reason at all, whereas stars are in place to produce certain gases. Without stars out there producing gas, black holes would be sucking up all the light and make everything gasless and dark. Black holes have no purpose at all but we can do nothing to stop their development. They are simply a fact of life out there in space. But big foot is a myth. Always has been and always will be. When ever you hear about Bigfoot, it’s always some farmboy hick chewing on a piece of grass telling you the story. Bigfoot began as a myth in 1929 by a guy who made a big wooden foot and ran around the woods in Washington State. Finally I’d like to say the true mystery of the Universe is simply the fact that I can tell you anything about where stars came from and if there’s life on Mars and what black holes really do, and when the dust settles at the end of the day, you only have my words as proof of anything. Point is I say it so it must be true and that’s final. Didn’t use to be that way, back when we were in the other universe and this one ran parallel just the other side of zero. Ever since they crossed and the people began to mix it all up, anything goes when it comes to anything. So as I go on my way to meet my maker, I feel justified in revealing the true meanings of our existence and how I forget sometimes what I was saying.” Dr. Newman then fell into a deep sleep and was unavailable for further comment. The effects of Dr. Newman’s interview will be discussed on CNN’s Larry King Live when his guests will be Arnold Palmer and Tiger Wood talking about the US Open. DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS A FAKE. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD! DON'T SUE ME!

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