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The Turnip
 
January 21, 2003

African American Reparations praised by Auto Retailers

DETROIT- The North American Automobile Dealers Association has announced its support for a bill in Congress this week for the distribution of reparation payments to every African American citizen of the United States as well as Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas and parts of Mexico and Cuba. The payments which have yet to be calculated are estimated to be in the range of 50 to 100 thousand dollars for each individual, depending on class, heritage, need, and geographic location. The NAADA spokesman, Peter Wellsford said the organizations support comes from the thousands of retail auto dealers all across the Nation who anticipate the payments will supply huge buying power to one of the most automotively repressed segments of the auto buying public. “We won’t be able to keep the GX 470’s in stock once the African American community gets their hands on that kind of cash!”, said Wendell Holmes, purchasing manager of Hungerford Lexus of San Antonio, Texas. He was referring to the fact that the African Americans who have a choice usually choose the Lexus model Sport Utility Vehicles over lower priced models. That is not to say other manufacturers will be left out of the anticipated automotive buying frenzy this bill will produce once the checks are cut. On the contrary, the diversity of final payments will leave some individuals with fewer choices than others thus making dealers like Tim Reed of Austin City Nissan just as likely to see an increase in sales during initial periods of payments. “We ain’t stopping here with these here one payments!”, said Reverend Al Sharpton, drafter of the original bill now before Congress. “We be looking for biweekly reparations too. We been held down for long enough by the man. Now it be time for the man to pay up!”, he said in a powerful speech before the NAADA and South American Crack Cocaine Dealers Association conference held in Detroit last week. The SACCDA hopes to benefit from the payments as well. Benito Juañez, primary liaison to the Menendez Cartel™ claims they are hoping for a one to two hundred percent increase in demand for the products they produce in Columbia based on past product performances during optimal economic times within the African American community. Still, the automotive industry stands to gain the most from the reparation payments once the program begins. “They buy the cars even without the money! Imagine when they get the cold hard cash in their pink little hands! I’m already looking at Summer homes in France and Australia!”, said Holmes. Jewelers are meeting next week to discuss the impact the reparations may have on the gold chain business. It is believed that they will invite the American Dental Association members to the conferences as well to coordinate the necessary lines of communication when the orders for gold teeth begin to increase. “So many industries stand to gain so much from these reparation payments I can’t believe nobody thought of this before!”, said Wellsford as he posed for pictures with Reverend Al Sharpton and basketball star Shaquille O’Neal in front of the Popeye’s Chicken restaurant in downtown Detroit. There are no losers in this either. There was some concern that a majority of the African American male population was incarcerated, but the bill allows for payments to be made to family members and placed in a trust fund if freedom was ever realized. In the cases of life sentences or death penalties, the money would go directly to the NAADA to help cover administrative costs associated with the boom in sales due to the reparations. The bill is expected to pass both houses and deductions should begin as early as March 1st from the paychecks of every Caucasian American living in North and South America, the Netherlands, South Africa, England and Scotland as well as Ireland, Hawaii, Spain, Portugal, France and where ever else white people live. “It be about damn time!”, Sharpton concluded.

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