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The Turnip
 
January 17, 2003

Scientists find not so parallel universe

HONOLULU- A group of scientists from the University of Hawaii engaged in a ten year study on parallel universes and mirror societies have discovered a startling intersection of these two very different worlds. It is yet unclear exactly when the two civilizations actually crossed into each other, but some theories lead to the October 3, 1994 date as a possible point of impact. Some trace the collision as far back as November 1992 or January 1993. Scientists are struggling to find the definitive answer to help explain the condition of the world today. “I remember when up was up and down was down. Right was right and wrong was wrong. Yes was yes and no was no. Today everything is upside down. The liars are treated as honest while honest people are persecuted and disbelieved. Wrong is now right in just about every sector of society today. Yes means no and more frighteningly, no now means yes.” explained Professor Lydius Tempus Greene, lead scientist on the project. Fearful of what lies ahead, the professor refused to elaborate any further citing the obvious worsening tendencies of the universe intercollibination. The team was unanimous in its findings that indeed an intersection of the two universes did take place. One member who spoke on the condition of anonymity presented the O. J. Simpson acquittal as the precise turning point of society where all that was once known will now be unknown. He also presented the possibility that the election of Bill Clinton into the White House in 1992 could also have triggered the demise of common decency and morality. Further studies are underway to determine the exact moment when all hell broke loose. “It’s almost impossible to appoint this situation to any specific date,” said Peter Robertson, director of internal studies within the investigative group. He cited the many changes we have had gradually injected into our everyday lives such as children getting permanent tattoos and piercing unspeakable regions of their bodies. He reminds us of the inception of MTV (Music Television) in 1981 and the negative effects it had on society even then. Cable television in general today is contributing to the demise of society, the study has found. The group concludes that these negative effects are all part of the parallel universe crash, but still cannot pinpoint the time of impact. Could it have been the development of personal computers or the liquid crystal display? Technology in general could possibly be the cause of this intersection according to Hymen Peters, professor of Human Studies at the University. “It’s almost like a magnet, technology is. It has tugged and pulled on the alternate universe and upset its course so much so as to drag it into a collision course with ours.” he states. “If this trend continues, who knows where we’ll be in another 20 years!” At this point the future looks to be filled with opposite anticipation and negative positives with many ups and downs along the way. Six of the original Replica Watches seventeen scientists who began this study in 1998 have ended their own lives after realizing their helplessness in the progression of the opposite alternate universe. The prospect of living in a mirror was so horrible to them they took their own lives and the lives of their pets as well. The remaining scientists have vowed to continue on in the memories of the lost teammates until they have reached their goal of determining exactly when the world turned on its axis and evil became good. The study continues at the University after a brief vacation for the members to collect their thoughts and visit their families. The final results are expected to be delivered in 2008 at a press conference in Washington DC.

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