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The Turnip
 
January 15, 2003

New Order on Track with Carcinogen Testing

SEATTLE- A group calling themselves the New Order have begun experiments in several local laboratories to try and determine the origins of many of the nation’s leading cancer causing asbestos related carcinogens. The groups leader, Gerald Hemmings has contacted Governor Jerry Pittsford requesting the required licenses to perform the necessary tasks to determine the levels at which they will begin the study. The carcinogens, commonly known as dystrophysohenes and cystromorpheseus have had a history of causing sever to mild forms of tumoristic activity both in the brain functions and kidney and asogogophys regions of the body. When the primary carcinogen is introduced to the textured flanges of the aortal hemispheres of the pancreas, cancer almost always forms to combat the immune system of the orbulate conductors. The testing, scheduled to begin within the month will include a selected team of patients gathered from various regions of the nation known for a propensity of the two most common forms of hydracortriptane dysfunctionia. These studies will first have to determine who will be intensified with the least concentrated form of glycerine. Then the remaining cells will be homoginated into six to eight groups, according to Hemmings. Once the final stages are set to propel the gamma saturated fibuli into the brain, the conductors will be turned off and the process will begin to determine the actual source. This is expected to take nearly a year and the subjects must adhere to strict diets of undisclosed meats and vegetables. There will also be placebos in place to monitor a constant hyperspeed of vision, which is essential to the recording of data among the group. The group is excited to begin, stating a desire to finally conclude the mysteries of dystrophysohenes and cystromorpheseus and hopefully charge ahead in the ultimate cure for this horrible disease in a non homeopathic routine, saving millions of dollars every year. The medical community is applauding the decision to forge ahead with this project and the group leaders and posts are optimistic this will succeed.

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