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The Turnip
 
December 18, 2002

New Treatment for Clamstramitis released to Homeopathic community

LOS ANGELES- Clamstramitis, the feared disease of the central kinetic energy system has finally met its match with a new organic natural chemical just released by the Homeopathic Registry of America. Raimon, the technical name for the new product will be available for public consumption shortly after the first of the year according to a representative of Guilderman All Naturals, an organic chemical company in Atlanta, Georgia. The company has been experimenting with live subject since 1982, mainly mice and lizards for the effectiveness of Raimon, a gelatin made from among other things noodles and raisins. Clamstramitis is a disease which attacks the central kinetic energy system through the pectoral morphesues and renders the victim void of kinetic energy and magnetism of any kind. This almost always leads to potarity failure and requires mainstream medicine and surgery to correct the problems. Cases left unattended have a one in ten chance of death. Customarily used homeopathic techniques to combat clamstramitis once included fossil dust and polymeterable hydrocarbons, but in recent cases it has been found that fruit juice and chicken skin were often just as effective. The college cites the broth contained in the skin in conjunction with the acid in the Hawaiian Punch made a direct path to the center of the clamstramiti integestiani which rendered the mucus produced harmless to human beings. Since that time the disease has grown immune to the chicken and any other form of poultry skin and it has become necessary to explore other possibilities. With the introduction of Raimon to the kinetic system, hopes have risen to the possibility once again to cure this horrible disease. According to a document provided to the LA Times, the raisins are first boiled in silver water for an undisclosed amount of time, and then mixed with the tomato paste and jalapeno peppers. Noodles and chrisom leaves are later infused into the solution and the entire product is held under a heat lamp until finished. It is still not clear how the Raimon is to be ingested or administered but the results of preliminary testing show a 90% success rate. Only one lizard suffered mild pulmonary cordinarian collapse, but the technicians assured the board this was due to the poor health of the lizard prior to the initial infection. Raimon is expected to cost between $50 and $100 for a months supply depending on the cost of raisins from South America which produces the strongest form of necessary acidity in its raisin crop.

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