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The Turnip
 
December 17, 2002

Jeffrey Pontificates on the Economy

Economy showing signs of parallel development WASHINGTON—Key economic indicators released today show optimistic parallel growth in industry as well as manufacturing and electronics. The elements of the disclosure were not being given to shareholders of the affected companies or the media, but sources close to the group say more information is expected later today. The source told the Washington Post that if certain parameters of the latest disclosures are indeed true, parallel development in all forms of the transportation industry may also be projected. Gerald Stone, Chief Executive Officer of Hermature Inc. stated in a news conference late last night that he expects the projections to also show unilateral expanse over many more of the nations top performing companies in the coming fiscal year. “I believe this is most certainly a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel,” he said. Many of the attending officers from Martel and Diskney also commented on the good news. But the news may not all be good. A report issued by the special office of economic divestiture which was appointed by President George W. Bush earlier this year shows an equally dismal forecast for turbulent dynamic manufacturing industries operating on dependant foreign currencies generated by the controversial Euro dollars. If this is to continue the report states, impacted general concerns will be more than likely erased until the next fiscal dependiture. A spokesperson for Kinnicutt Mfg. in Dayton, Ohio has given the group fifteen hours to present its findings to his board before any movements are made. He is concerned for the fifty seven employees currently in layoff status due to be let go on Christmas morning. “It is with great regret we release these fine employees without solid confirmation of the unilateral process of expanding economic parallel development,” he told the New York Times. “A real shame,” he added. Also at the press conference were representatives of the labor unions which may be affected by the move. The Federated Union of Malmatation Workers sent the union’s senior Vice President Vince Malletta to speak for the groups their union represents. He cited many concerns including OSHA regulations and several ergonomic stipulations he says are present in collective bargaining agreements with six of the seven Unions present. A limited amount of time was spent on union issues because as explained by Bruce Forthe of Amax Inc., “We are talking Parallel development and financial rigidity crisis here. Union squabbles have no place at this meeting.” The motion was seconded by Lillian Horne, secretary to the treasurer of Gilderman&Wilde Protection Agency, a company vastly impacted by the move. More information is expected to be made available as the groups meet to discuss the many aspects of the proposal. A press conference is scheduled for later today to release the information.

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